It occurs to me that others might find it useful to know how I get ready to tackle difficult “stuff.” How do I batten down the hatches, so to speak? In no particular order....
1) Stock the pantry and refrigerator with healthy food. No alcohol or sugary stuff. I want my body to be able to handle the stress and I know that what I eat (or don't!) will impact my emotions, too.
2) Make a mental note to wear only clothes that make me feel good.
3) Get into a pattern of daily exercise—preferably including time out in the sun.
4) Pull out my list of things that make me happy/smile/laugh and make sure I'm doing/having at least 3 every day NO MATTER WHAT.
5) Make a list of blessings in my life—how my life is good NOW.
6) Make a list of what I like about myself—why I like who I am NOW.
7) Make sure my support network is in place and that we'll laugh together, too.
8) Make sure I know clearly why I matter, who needs me and why. Make sure I know why no matter what comes up, I have a reason to figure it out and keep moving forward—that letting go and/or hurting myself is not an option.
9) Begin to tease at the edges of my emotions. Toss out possibilities of what it might be that I need to look at until I get a “bingo”--a sense of resonance that says: This is it!
10) Imagine talking to the child I was and asking her what's going on—always reassuring her that NOW I am safe, NOW my life is good, NOW I have the wisdom and experience to process whatever it is that once terrified me so badly that I had to bury it like this.
11) Remind myself that whatever surfaces it is not the event itself that matters but rather the messages I took in about myself and the world and people around me because of it.
12) I will remember to laugh and count my blessings EVERY DAY as a reminder that NOW I am safe and NOW I am and can be happy.
What do you do to “batten down the hatches” to protect and prepare yourself when you know you're about to look at something difficult?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((hugs)))))),
April_Optimist
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
More on Dreams
Well, this post isn't exactly about dreams but it continues the conversation from the previous post.
I'm pretty sure now that I'll be fictionalizing what I write. I'm pretty sure there's something left to process that I don't want to look at. I tell writing students that the past matters--whether in real life or with our characters--only to the extent that it is affecting the person's actions and reactions in the present. If it's not, leave it alone, it's not time to bring it up.
But this is affecting me. My life is pretty good. I'm happy. I am light years from where I was just 5 years ago. But there is something I'm bumping up against that if I process it will allow me to move forward in a major way. If I knew what it was.
I can make some guesses. Enough to be wary. I'm pretty sure I'll want to use a slightly different approach than when I processed things before. I know that I'll make a space for laughter and joy every day even when--maybe especially when--it's hard to do so.
It's been a while since I had to process something new but I'll pull out my tool kit and experiment until I find just the right combination of skills that will let me heal this last (I hope!) remaining piece.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I'm pretty sure now that I'll be fictionalizing what I write. I'm pretty sure there's something left to process that I don't want to look at. I tell writing students that the past matters--whether in real life or with our characters--only to the extent that it is affecting the person's actions and reactions in the present. If it's not, leave it alone, it's not time to bring it up.
But this is affecting me. My life is pretty good. I'm happy. I am light years from where I was just 5 years ago. But there is something I'm bumping up against that if I process it will allow me to move forward in a major way. If I knew what it was.
I can make some guesses. Enough to be wary. I'm pretty sure I'll want to use a slightly different approach than when I processed things before. I know that I'll make a space for laughter and joy every day even when--maybe especially when--it's hard to do so.
It's been a while since I had to process something new but I'll pull out my tool kit and experiment until I find just the right combination of skills that will let me heal this last (I hope!) remaining piece.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Dreams
I do not often worry about dreams. When I have one that's important, it's always transparently clear what I'm meant to look at. I do, take any necessary steps and then move on. Now, though....
I've had dreams for several nights now telling me there's something still left to look at and that until I do, I'm trapped where I am. And those dreams are telling me clearly that I must write about my life.
Now...first...this does not in any way negate the good things in my life NOW. It does not in any way detract from my current happiness. It does not mean anything other than that if I look at these new things, my life will get better.
What is somewhat disturbing is that I had thought I had explored it all—and left it behind. And yet, I have known I am not yet where I would like to be with my life. This is what will allow me to get there.
The “me” in my dreams was scared. When I tried to write my story in my dreams, it became gibberish because it was so scary to that self. And that me resisted doing any of this. Which is my subconscious “protecting” me. But the conscious me knows that no matter what it is, I have the skills and tools to cope. No matter what it is, this would not be surfacing unless I was ready to process it. That's how it's always been.
Perhaps the best thing is that this may explain the writer's block I've had for some time. It may be that until I find a way to write my story—whether it's nonfiction or I fictionalize it—I can't get back to writing what I write best.
It is, as always, an interesting journey.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I've had dreams for several nights now telling me there's something still left to look at and that until I do, I'm trapped where I am. And those dreams are telling me clearly that I must write about my life.
Now...first...this does not in any way negate the good things in my life NOW. It does not in any way detract from my current happiness. It does not mean anything other than that if I look at these new things, my life will get better.
What is somewhat disturbing is that I had thought I had explored it all—and left it behind. And yet, I have known I am not yet where I would like to be with my life. This is what will allow me to get there.
The “me” in my dreams was scared. When I tried to write my story in my dreams, it became gibberish because it was so scary to that self. And that me resisted doing any of this. Which is my subconscious “protecting” me. But the conscious me knows that no matter what it is, I have the skills and tools to cope. No matter what it is, this would not be surfacing unless I was ready to process it. That's how it's always been.
Perhaps the best thing is that this may explain the writer's block I've had for some time. It may be that until I find a way to write my story—whether it's nonfiction or I fictionalize it—I can't get back to writing what I write best.
It is, as always, an interesting journey.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Ocean
I was doing a visualization exercise last week when I had an epiphany.
I was standing on the shore of the ocean and beside me was a native American shaman from a long time ago. He was stunned at the sight of the ocean and we spoke about how he could not comprehend the ocean until he saw it. And we talked about how what is to come in my life is the ocean I've never seen. I can't know what it is or comprehend it until it IS part of my life.
This is a very powerful image for me. Looking back, I know that over and over I have discovered oceans in my life in the sense that he was discovering what an ocean was.
I could not comprehend believing in myself until I did. I could not comprehend being happy until I was. I could not comprehend trusting until I did. I hadn't even known these things were possible until they were.
I love this visualization message because I find myself excited about what the oceans might be that I've yet to discover. I'm excited about the possibilities that might change my life profoundly just as believing in myself, being happy and trusting did.
How about you? Are you excited about the oceans you've never seen that you might yet discover in your future?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I was standing on the shore of the ocean and beside me was a native American shaman from a long time ago. He was stunned at the sight of the ocean and we spoke about how he could not comprehend the ocean until he saw it. And we talked about how what is to come in my life is the ocean I've never seen. I can't know what it is or comprehend it until it IS part of my life.
This is a very powerful image for me. Looking back, I know that over and over I have discovered oceans in my life in the sense that he was discovering what an ocean was.
I could not comprehend believing in myself until I did. I could not comprehend being happy until I was. I could not comprehend trusting until I did. I hadn't even known these things were possible until they were.
I love this visualization message because I find myself excited about what the oceans might be that I've yet to discover. I'm excited about the possibilities that might change my life profoundly just as believing in myself, being happy and trusting did.
How about you? Are you excited about the oceans you've never seen that you might yet discover in your future?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Wanting
I think wanting—letting ourselves want—is very difficult if we were abused as children. We learned not to ask for things, not to let anyone know what we wanted or cared about so it couldn't be used against us and maybe even learned not to care at all so it wouldn't hurt so much when it was taken away from us and given to someone else.
For years, it was impossible for me to do the exercise where you write down your ideal life—what it would look like. I couldn't do it. I'd fall asleep or get distracted or I'd get pounding headaches and have to stop or I'd just stare at the blank page literally unable to do it. Then I got to the point where I could imagine little bits and pieces of things that I thought might make me happy—hastily followed by reassurances to myself that I didn't actually need those things!
Even now, I catch myself thinking in terms of: What's the least I can settle for? It's as if I'm afraid that if I let myself think about what I'd like, it would hurt too much because there's a part of me that still believes I can never have it.
So...a couple of weeks ago I deliberately decided I was going to think in terms of what I really want and use it as motivation to find a way to get them. As usual, this has meant emotions bouncing all over the place, more headaches than I've had in the past 2 years all put together and bouts of insomnia and/or disturbingly vivid dreams.
I took steps to prove to myself that NOW I could—and do!--have lots of the things that make me happy. Now I can have a freezer/refrigerator full of food—I don't have to go hungry as I did as a child. Now I can wear clothes that make me smile—instead of someone else's hand me downs or what someone else thinks I should wear. Now I can watch movies or shows I like—and not care what anyone else thinks of them. Now I can notice when men pay me compliments—without having to be afraid of what it means.
And I noticed the patterns that still remain. I found myself thinking of some things that would make me happy and saying I can't afford them. I found myself realizing that I could—if I chose and if I let go of the old beliefs of what I do or don't deserve. I noticed the old voices whispering it was wrong to want this or spend money on that. I thought about how different I would feel if I talked to myself in terms of: This would make me happy and that wouldn't.
There's no danger, you see, that I won't manage financially. I know how to do it too well. But there's a danger of settling instead of thriving. There's a danger of believing I never can have _________ instead of realizing I could if I just ______ and _______ and _______.
I hadn't known I still had so many of the old ideas still in my head. I hadn't realized I was still limiting myself in ways I could have abandoned long ago. It is—as always—the beliefs we don't know we have or think to question that trip us up the most.
So....how about you? Are you able to think about what you want? Are you able to let yourself have the things you can afford that would make you smile? I hope so.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
For years, it was impossible for me to do the exercise where you write down your ideal life—what it would look like. I couldn't do it. I'd fall asleep or get distracted or I'd get pounding headaches and have to stop or I'd just stare at the blank page literally unable to do it. Then I got to the point where I could imagine little bits and pieces of things that I thought might make me happy—hastily followed by reassurances to myself that I didn't actually need those things!
Even now, I catch myself thinking in terms of: What's the least I can settle for? It's as if I'm afraid that if I let myself think about what I'd like, it would hurt too much because there's a part of me that still believes I can never have it.
So...a couple of weeks ago I deliberately decided I was going to think in terms of what I really want and use it as motivation to find a way to get them. As usual, this has meant emotions bouncing all over the place, more headaches than I've had in the past 2 years all put together and bouts of insomnia and/or disturbingly vivid dreams.
I took steps to prove to myself that NOW I could—and do!--have lots of the things that make me happy. Now I can have a freezer/refrigerator full of food—I don't have to go hungry as I did as a child. Now I can wear clothes that make me smile—instead of someone else's hand me downs or what someone else thinks I should wear. Now I can watch movies or shows I like—and not care what anyone else thinks of them. Now I can notice when men pay me compliments—without having to be afraid of what it means.
And I noticed the patterns that still remain. I found myself thinking of some things that would make me happy and saying I can't afford them. I found myself realizing that I could—if I chose and if I let go of the old beliefs of what I do or don't deserve. I noticed the old voices whispering it was wrong to want this or spend money on that. I thought about how different I would feel if I talked to myself in terms of: This would make me happy and that wouldn't.
There's no danger, you see, that I won't manage financially. I know how to do it too well. But there's a danger of settling instead of thriving. There's a danger of believing I never can have _________ instead of realizing I could if I just ______ and _______ and _______.
I hadn't known I still had so many of the old ideas still in my head. I hadn't realized I was still limiting myself in ways I could have abandoned long ago. It is—as always—the beliefs we don't know we have or think to question that trip us up the most.
So....how about you? Are you able to think about what you want? Are you able to let yourself have the things you can afford that would make you smile? I hope so.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
Friday, September 11, 2009
9/11
I still remember vividly that morning when the planes hit the twin towers and the Pentagon and that field in Pennsylvania. My daughter and I were going to spend a couple of days together before she left for college--by plane. It's one of the things that made me realize I didn't want to waste any more years unhappy.
When I look back, I remember the tragedy of loss of life. I also remember, though, the way people came together--despite their other differences. Briefly instead of screaming at each other, we helped each other out. People gave of themselves to help others. There was true heroism as well as the horror.
9/11 was not the end of New York City. It is as vibrant and alive as ever. That's good to remember. Tragedies happen. We can survive them and recover and live vibrant, happy lives. The key is to help each other, to believe in ourselves, to go on even when we don't see the way more than a step or two in front of us.
I will never forget what happened on 9/11. At the time I lived close enough to the city that firefighters and ambulances from my town headed up there. People I knew were in the city at the time and it took more than a day to verify they were okay. Some just missed being in the twin towers when they came down. But I will remember the love and heroism and unity as well as the horror.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
When I look back, I remember the tragedy of loss of life. I also remember, though, the way people came together--despite their other differences. Briefly instead of screaming at each other, we helped each other out. People gave of themselves to help others. There was true heroism as well as the horror.
9/11 was not the end of New York City. It is as vibrant and alive as ever. That's good to remember. Tragedies happen. We can survive them and recover and live vibrant, happy lives. The key is to help each other, to believe in ourselves, to go on even when we don't see the way more than a step or two in front of us.
I will never forget what happened on 9/11. At the time I lived close enough to the city that firefighters and ambulances from my town headed up there. People I knew were in the city at the time and it took more than a day to verify they were okay. Some just missed being in the twin towers when they came down. But I will remember the love and heroism and unity as well as the horror.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
All of What I Feel
It has been an interesting time since I returned from my trip. Intense emotion hits me at odd moments. What I'm calm about on the surface turns out, some times, to be something I am not so calm about underneath.
I have learned the hard way that trying to suppress intense emotion means one cannot laugh as easily or feel joy. And what I try to suppress gains strength whereas that which I am willing to let surface can be felt and then let go. That's what's been happening to me over the past couple of weeks.
I am happy for all the good things in my life and in the lives of those I care about. At the same time I can grieve for hopes and dreams let go as life changes what the possible futures might look like. It's not that these possible futures, these new hopes and dreams are any worse than the ones I had before just that they are different and it's time to let go of how I once thought things would be. And in letting myself grieve I am honoring who I am and how I feel—and then I can let them go and embrace the new hopes and dreams and possibilities.
I can be happy, too, that NOW I am someone who can celebrate the changes in my life—instead of always being afraid of them. I can be grateful for people who come into my life and enrich it—for however long they are here without needing to grab onto them terrified they might go away. I can help my children explore the possibilities in their lives without believing that their choices determine whether I have succeeded or failed in mine. I can choose who I will be and what I will do without being terrified of what others will think—and that too is a wonderful thing.
It is an interesting time for me and I am willing to let it be whatever it is.
Here's hoping that you are having some joy amid the challenges in your lives, a sense of trust in yourselves and a willingness to honor all of who you are.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
I have learned the hard way that trying to suppress intense emotion means one cannot laugh as easily or feel joy. And what I try to suppress gains strength whereas that which I am willing to let surface can be felt and then let go. That's what's been happening to me over the past couple of weeks.
I am happy for all the good things in my life and in the lives of those I care about. At the same time I can grieve for hopes and dreams let go as life changes what the possible futures might look like. It's not that these possible futures, these new hopes and dreams are any worse than the ones I had before just that they are different and it's time to let go of how I once thought things would be. And in letting myself grieve I am honoring who I am and how I feel—and then I can let them go and embrace the new hopes and dreams and possibilities.
I can be happy, too, that NOW I am someone who can celebrate the changes in my life—instead of always being afraid of them. I can be grateful for people who come into my life and enrich it—for however long they are here without needing to grab onto them terrified they might go away. I can help my children explore the possibilities in their lives without believing that their choices determine whether I have succeeded or failed in mine. I can choose who I will be and what I will do without being terrified of what others will think—and that too is a wonderful thing.
It is an interesting time for me and I am willing to let it be whatever it is.
Here's hoping that you are having some joy amid the challenges in your lives, a sense of trust in yourselves and a willingness to honor all of who you are.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
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